Journey Marie Howell  was born in Maryland at the Washington County hospital on August 25, 2007 at 5:34 am.  She weighed 6.2lbs and was 18.5 inches long.  However, her little heart was not beating when she was born. She passed away on August 25, 2007 . We will never forget her and love her forever.

At the bottom of the page, there are more photos in a slideshow of our baby girl Journey Marie.  Please also feel free to light a candle or write a condolence in our daughters Memory it does not matter if we know you or not.

Journey's Story

On August 18, 2007 I had my baby shower, and my last ultrasound of Journey. I was measuring 38 weeks but was only a little over 33 weeks at that time. On Monday August 20, 2007, I had my schedule doctor’s appointment, everything went well, however that would be the last day that I would ever hear my baby’s heartbeat.

By Wednesday August 22, 2007 I had enough. I was having sciatic nerve pain and back pain, along with swelling in my legs. My blood pressure was borderline preeclampsia but the doctors still showed no concern. At every appointment I went to, if I had a question regarding my pregnancy, I was always told “That’s normal”. I am a nurse but I am not an OB nurse, nor do I know much about pediatrics. I work in a nursing home with the elderly, so when my doctors told me I was “normal” or fine, I trusted them. Anyways, I called my doctor that particular day to tell her that I wanted to go off work, because at that point I was missing at least once a week.

On Thursday August 23, 2007, I went to my doctor’s office and picked up my FMLA forms to take back to my workplace. I then took my forms to Reeders. I visited with several of my coworkers and friends. I even specifically remember telling our Administrator that if I could have this baby right now and she would be fine, I would do it. Little did I know what was to come ahead.

Friday August 24, 2007, I was now off work, and didn’t have much planned for the day except to visit my chiropractor for my back pain. My appt was around 9am, so I went to the chiropractors, so I decided to head to value city to look at the baby items. From the moment I woke up I had noticed pressure, and it was as if I had to urinate every 15 minutes. Needless to say I was walking around value city in Chambersburg, and I still had a lot of pressure, so I thought I should just go home and rest. On my way home I noticed that it seemed as though I may be having contractions but I wasn’t sure. At this point I was 34 weeks and 2 days pregnant. I arrived home around 1130a-12n. I decided to grab some leftover spaghetti to eat. By this time it was around 1:30pm. Chris had gotten home early that day; he decided he was going to mow the grass. I told him about the possible contractions. We learned in our Labor class that if we were having contractions and it was early to drink water and lay on our left side. So I did just that, I drank 2 big glasses of water and tried to rest. By 3 pm, I was still having contractions. I called Chris in to time the contractions, they seemed to be around 8 minutes apart. I called my sister in law, Renee, who is an RN to tell her what was going on. She told me she was on her way home from work, and she would stop by. The contractions didn’t seem to ease up but I didn’t know if they were true contractions or Braxton-hicks. I was in a panic, I had no baby clothes washed from my baby shower just 6 days prior. I decided to wash 2 loads of clothes. I was in the process of folding clothes when my sister in law showed up. It was around 5pm, my contractions were now 5 minutes apart. She told me to call my dr. I immediately called Dr. Ginter. She told me to get to the hospital right way. I was frantic, I had nothing packed for myself or the baby. I gathered some of my things quickly and off to the hospital we went.




I arrived at the Washington county Hospital, still having my contractions about 5 minutes apart. They immediately took me to labor and delivery. I was still having pressure. I remember the excitement in Chris’s eyes before we left the house he said to me” Hon, I think we might be having a baby tonight” I of course told him, no I think I’m going to come back home. After I was taken to a room on the Labor and delivery floor, there were many nurses in and out of the room it was around 6:30pm and they were changing shifts. The one nurse checked me and said that I was 8 centimeters dilated, I immediately started crying, because I know if I was that far along that I couldn’t get an epidural. The whole time I was pregnant after I got past 12 weeks, all I could do was worry about the pain during labor, I was headset I was definitely getting an epidural. Another nurse was hooking me up to the monitor to read both mine and the baby’s heart sounds. The nurse seemed to have difficulty doing this. It was as if only one heartbeat was showing. However I was not worried. The heart rate was reading in the 140’s so I naturally assumed it was the baby’s. By this time Dr. Ginter showed up, she checked me and said that I was only 1 centimeter dilated but 90% effaced. She ordered for them to bring in the ultrasound machine. At that time, she seemed to have difficulty with the machine. I was still not worried. She ordered for another sonogram to be done but for the sonogram tech to bring another machine and take the sonogram. About 15 minutes passed and Chris was standing there, he was very impatient, he said to the nurse, where is this ultrasound machine at. Just at that moment the tech came in. She put the Doppler on my belly and immediately said, “Go get Dr. Ginter”. I knew something was wrong, but I didn’t know what… I don’t remember feeling scared, or even worried. Dr. Ginter came in the room, and put the Doppler on my belly. Chris was standing behind her, he could see everything. The screen was faced away from me. She looked at me and said “Kelly, I need you to see this” I said “I’m not looking”, she said “ Kelly I need for you to look at this, YOUR BABY’S HEART IS NOT BEATING”. My world was shattered. I will never forgot those words as long as I live. I kept saying its wrong, she’s fine, it’s wrong, and I’m not having her. Please, please don’t make me do this. I was in a panic! Chris tried to console me, but nothing worked, I went through a period of denial. I begged for her to put me asleep and just take the baby, and then I could pretend as if I were never pregnant. I then begged for a C-section, she told me no, that they would only do that if I were at risk. How could this all be happening to me, did I do something wrong in my life to deserve this? And why wasn’t this woman helping me.

I then decided to call my parents, I told my mom that I needed her and dad to come to the hospital right away, I told her that the baby’s heart is not beating, but I don’t think she understand. Chris did the same with his parents. The 4 of them all came. No one could understand, or even understand what I was telling them. That I was about to give birth to a baby that would never take a breath, open her eyes or even smile. It was all so absurd.

The doctor suggested that I take some morphine but I really still wanted to have my epidural. She then broke my water around 9-10pm. I was given my epidural, but it didn’t completely work, the anesthesiologist had to come back in and give me another epidural, finally it was starting to work. I wasn’t feeling my contractions much. I had a small dose of morphine in my system as well. Our parents left around 11pm. Chris and I sat in my room together, not saying much. I still think I was in denial, that maybe just maybe they could be wrong she might be still alive. Our nurse that we had throughout the night, Sheryl was absolutely wonderful. I could not have asked for a better nurse. She was very supportive. While waiting to have the baby, I spiked a temp and took on cold chills, she had to call the dr, and I was given an antibiotic, no one even knew what was happening with me. Sheryl was very patient, I had a lot of questions. She wanted me to rest because she knew it wouldn’t be long before I would have to deliver my baby. I At around 5am she checked to see how dilated I was she said “Kelly, we are going to have a baby soon”. Chris called our parents, to let them know.

On August 25, 2007 at 5:34am, I delivered a beautiful baby girl. Journey Marie Howell. She was simply perfect. Many tests have been run, and there is no known cause as to why Journey was stillborn. There are 30,000 babies who are stillborn in one year in the United States alone. At least 70% of the births go unexplained

You were chosen because the Lord loved you

Deuteronomy 7:8

Little Angels

When God calls little children to dwell with Him above,
We mortals sometimes question the wisdom of His love.
For no heartache compares with the death of one small child,
Who does so much to make our world, seem wonderful and mild.
Perhaps God tires of calling the aged to his fold.
So He picks a rosebud, before it can grow old.
God knows how much we need them, and so He takes but few.
To make the land of Heaven more beautiful to view.
Believing ths is difficult, still somehow we must try.
The saddest word mankind knows will always be "Goodbye".
So when a little child departs, we who are left behind,
Must realize God loves children, and
Angels are hard to find.
Author Unknown 

Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted

Matthew 5:1

My Mommy is a Survivor

My Mommy is a survivor
or so I've heard it said.
But I can hear her crying at night
when all others are in bed.

I watch her lay awake at night
and go to hold her hand.
She doesn't know I'm with her
to help her understand.

But like the sands on the beach
that never wash away...
I watch over my surviving mommy,
who thinks of me each day.

She wears a smile for others...
a smile of disguise!
But through Heaven's door I see
tears flowing from her eyes.

My mommy tries to cope with death
to keep my memory alive.
But anyone who knows her knows
it is her way to survive.

As I watch over my surviving mom
through Heaven's open door...
I try to tell her that angels
protect me forevermore.

I know that doesn't help her
or ease the burden she bears.
So if you get a chance, go visit her...
and show her that you care.

For no matter what she says...
no matter what she feels.
My surviving mommy has a broken heart
That time wont ever heal

My Daddy Is a Survivor Too

My daddy is a survivor too
which is no surprise to me.
He's always been like a lighthouse
that helps you cross a stormy sea.

But, I walk with my daddy each day
to lift him when he's down.
I wipe the tears he hides from others;
He cries when no one's around.

I watch him sit up late at night
with my picture in his hand.
He cries as he tries to grieve alone,
and wishes he could understand.

My daddy is like a tower of strength.
He's the greatest of them all!
But, there are times when he needs to cry...
Please be there when he falls.

Hold his hand or pat his shoulder...
And tell him it's okay.
Be his strength when he's sad,
Help him mourn in his own way.

Now, as I watch over my precious dad
from the Heavens up above...
I'm so proud that he's a survivor...
And, I can still feel his love.

Dear Lord, I waited to my little one on my lap and tell her about You,

But since I never had that chance, will you please hold her on your lap and tell her about me?

Remembering 

Go ahead and mention my child,
The one who died, you know,
Don't worry about hurting me further,
The depth of my pain doesn't show. 

Don't worry about making me cry,
I'm already crying inside.
Help me to heal by releasing
The tears that I try to hide.
 
I'm hurt when you keep silent,
Pretending she didn't exist.
I'd rather you mention my child,
Knowing that she had been missed. 

You asked me how I was doing,
I say, "pretty good," or "fine,"
But healing is something ongoing,
I think it will take a lifetime.
--by Elizabeth Dent 

What Makes a Mother

I thought of you and closed my eyes
And prayed to God today.
I asked what makes a Mother
And I know I heard him say.
A Mother has a baby
This we know is true.'

But God, can you be a Mother
When your baby's not with you?
Yes, you can, He replied
With confidence in His voice
I give many women babies
When they leave is not their choice.
Some I send for a lifetime
And others for a day.
And some I send to feel your womb
But there's no need to stay.

I just don't understand this, God
I want my baby here
He took a breath and cleared His throat
And then I saw a tear.
I wish I could show you
What your child is doing today.
If you could see your child smile
With other children and say:
"We go to earth to learn our lessons
Of love and life and fear.

My Mommy loved me oh so much
I got to come straight here.
I feel so lucky to have a Mom
Who had so much love for me
I learned my lesson very quickly
My Mommy set me free.
I miss my Mommy oh so much
But I visit her each day.
When she goes to sleep
On her pillow's where I lay.
I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek
And whisper in her ear.
"Mommy don't be sad today
I'm your baby and I'm here."

So you see my dear sweet one
Your children are ok
Your babies are here in My home
And this is where they'll stay.
They'll wait for you with Me
Until your lesson is through.
And on the day that you come home
They'll be at the gates for you.

So now you see what makes a Mother
It's the feeling in your heart.
It's the love you had so much of
Right from the very start.
Though some on earth may not realize
You are a Mother until their time is done.
They'll be up here with Me one day
And you know you're the best one 

The Loss of a child

The moment that I knew you had died,
My heart split in two,
The one side filled with memories,
The other died with you.

I often lay awake at night,
When the world is fast asleep,
And take a walk down memory lane,
With tears upon my cheek.

Remembering you is easy,
I do it every day,
But missing you is a heartache,
That never goes away.

I hold you tightly within my heart,
And there you will remain,
Life has gone on without you,
But it never will be the same.

For those who still have their children,
Treat them with tender care,
You will never know the emptiness,
As when you turn and they are not there. 

  


What is now my Normal...

I know this will touch the hearts of all bereaved parents. Also, this is a great thing to pass along to those who just can't seem to understand the depth of our pain.
From the heart of a bereaved Mother... This is now what "normal" is... 

Normal is having tears waiting behind every smile when you realize someone important is missing from all the important events in your family's life.

Normal for me is trying to decide what to take to the cemetery for Birthdays Christmas, Thanksgiving, New Years, Valentine's Day, July 4th and Easter.

Normal is feeling like you know how to act and are more comfortable with a funeral than a wedding or birthday party...yet feeling a stab of pain in your heart when you smell the flowers and see the casket.

Normal is feeling like you can't sit another minute without getting up and screaming, because you just don't like to sit through anything.

Normal is not sleeping very well because a thousand what if's & why didn't I's go through your head constantly.

Normal is reliving that day continuously through your eyes and mind, holding your head to make it go away.

Normal is having the TV on the minute I walk into the house to have noise, because the silence is deafening.

Normal is staring at every baby who looks like he is my baby's age. And then thinking of the age she would be now and not being able to imagine it. Then wondering why it is even important to imagine it, because it will never happen.

Normal is every happy event in my life always being backed up with sadness lurking close behind, because of the hole in my heart.

Normal is telling the story of your child's death as if it were an everyday, commonplace activity, and then seeing the horror in someone's eyes at how awful it sounds. And yet realizing it has become a part of my "normal".

Normal is each year coming up with the difficult task of how to honor your child's memory and her birthday and survive these days. And trying to find the balloon or flag that fit's the occasion. Happy Birthday? Not really.

Normal is my heart warming and yet sinking at the sight of something special my baby loved. Thinking how she would love it, but how she is not here to enjoy it.

Normal is having some people afraid to mention my baby.

Normal is making sure that others remember her.

Normal is after the funeral is over everyone else goes on with their lives, but we continue to grieve our loss forever.

Normal is weeks, months, and years after the initial shock, the grieving gets worse sometimes, not better.

Normal is not listening to people compare anything in their life to this loss, unless they too have lost a child. NOTHING. Even if your child is in the remotest part of the earth away from you - it doesn't compare. Losing a parent is horrible, but having to bury your own child is unnatural.

Normal is taking pills, and trying not to cry all day, because I know my mental health depends on it.

Normal is realizing I do cry everyday.

Normal is disliking jokes about death or funerals, bodies being referred to as cadavers, when you know they were once someone's loved one.

Normal is being impatient with everything and everyone, but someone stricken with grief over the loss of your child.

Normal is sitting at the computer crying, sharing how you feel with chat buddies who have also lost a child.

Normal is feeling a common bond with friends on the computer in England, Australia, Canada, the Netherlands and all over the USA, but yet never having met any of them face to face.

Normal is a new friendship with another grieving mother, talking and crying together over our children and our new lives.

Normal is not listening to people make excuses for God. "God may have done this because..." I love God, I know that my baby is in heaven, but hearing people trying to think up excuses as to why healthy babies were taken from this earth is not appreciated and makes absolutely no sense to this grieving mother.

Normal is being too tired to care if you paid the bills, cleaned the house, did laundry or if there is any food.

Normal is wondering this time whether you are going to say you have three children or two, because you will never see this person again and it is not worth explaining that my baby is in heaven. And yet when you say you have two children to avoid that problem, you feel horrible as if you have betrayed your baby.

Normal is avoiding McDonald's and Burger King playgrounds because of small, happy children that break your heart when you see them.

Normal is asking God why he took your child's life instead of yours and asking if there even is a God.

Normal is knowing I will never get over this loss, in a day or a million years.

And last of all, Normal is hiding all the things that have become "normal" for you to feel, so that everyone around you will think that you are "normal".

author unknown

How to talk to friends who have lost a child..
Do not worry that mentioning the name of the child will "remind" bereaved parents of their child. We remember our child every minute of every day. We want to talk about our child. Mention his name. One of our biggest fears is that he will be forgotten and one of our biggest joys is to hear his name.

Understand that we are parents without the right number of children. Because of this we experience over and over again fear, anger, guilt, sorrow, loss of future, isolation, abandonment. These are not steps that we work through but feelings that will continue to return forever with various intensity and in different forms.

Keep in mind that there really is no "closure" to the grief for the loss of a child. How can there be? Such loss is against nature and against all that we understand in the passage from one generation to the next.

What you say to bereaved parents is less important than that you say something. Ignoring bereaved parents is only adding to the burden of grief. Simply asking "How are you doing?" can be very helpful. But do it often.

When bereaved parents return to the workplace, make sure that you stop by, even if it's just to say "hello." After the loss of a child, parents often feel as if they are starting all over. This "new life" is just in the infancy stage and a friendly word makes a difference.

Call bereaved parents just to let them know you are thinking about them. Don't be insulted if they do not call you. Grieving saps energy for a long time.

Never think that grieving parents are somehow "holding onto their grief. "There is no such thing. The loss of a child causes endless grief that becomes part of the bereaved parent's inner self forever.

Remember that grief is not a process that one goes through a step at a time. Grieving is a roller coaster ride, and it is circular. The first couple of years, we are numb. When the numbness goes away, we are shocked to see that the world has gone on without our child. When we come out of this numbness, we are different people with a new sense of what it is to be "normal."

When parents lose their child, their hearts are broken. A huge hole is left. This hole will never heal - only the jagged edges around the hole may heal with time. Our grief, not always in the same form and maybe not as intense, will be with us the rest of our lives.

It does not matter how a child died or whether he was one week old or sixty years old. Nor does it matter whether there are surviving children. There is something absolute about the loss of each and every individual child.

Certain times of year will trigger intense sadness. Birthdays, anniversaries of the death, holidays, Mother's and Father's Day, weddings and funerals are just some. We can never properly prepare ourselves for these days. A simple "I am thinking of you and I know this day must be hard" goes a long way with bereaved parents

Journey's Angel Friends in Heaven
www.jesseltaylor.memory-of.com

http://kierstynreneebuck.memory-of.com/
http://ava-voelz.memory-of.com/
http://ayden-saenz.memory-of.com/
http://ellemaelindenfelser.memory-of.com/
http://kinsey-and-kylee-sullivan.memory-of.com/
http://emalee-rain-galamore.memory-of.com/
http://payton-sauer.memory-of.com/
http://joshua-blakeway.memory-of.com/
http://www.meghan-downey.memory-of.com/
http://anthony-simmons-jr.memory-of.com/

www.alyssah-jane-faith-tillman.memory-of.com

Please Dont forget to Light a Candle before you Leave

Candle Lighting is at the top on the far right hand side :)